Did you know that one in four women will experience domestic violence in their lifetime? And women who are better educated and earn the majority of household income are seven times more likely to be victims of domestic violence and psychological abuse than lower paid women. (based on a study produced by the Kilden Information Centre for Gender Research in Norway).

Domestic violence is far more common than many realize. It is more prevalent than breast cancer, ovarian cancer and lung cancer combined. It comes in the form of physical, sexual, psychological, and emotional abuse and effects people regardless of race or economic status.

It’s something that occurs to me when I meet friends for dinner, attend networking events, meet with clients and professional resources, walk into a restaurant, shop at the mall: Who is the one in four? How would I know, and how can I help?

At WealthChoice we are committed to helping women live a good life. The prevalence of domestic violence is one of the most critical issues facing women, and compromising their quality of life. We believe it’s our duty to help raise awareness of the issue, and the solutions. Because domestic violence is such a huge issue and growing, we wanted to learn more. What are the warning signs that someone is a victim of domestic violence? How can we help them? What resources are available?

Recently, we sat down with Heather Finlay, Chief Executive Office of the YWCA of San Diego County to learn more about the issue and solutions they provide. The YWCA provides such terrific resources for victims of domestic violence, that we wanted to make sure to share what we learned.

The YWCA of San Diego County’s mission it to empower women, men, and children to break the cycle of domestic violence and homelessness, and achieve self-sufficiency. Amazingly, they serve more than 8,400 people annually by helping them recover from trauma, improve their economic status, secure independence, and transform their lives. They do this through a series of programs from Becky’s House Emergency Shelter, which provides immediate protection and shelter for domestic violence survivors, to Rapid Re-Housing, which provides short term rental assistance and supportive services in permanent housing, and several programs in between.

So how do we know if someone is experiencing domestic violence? What are the warning signs?

Heather shared that abusers use intimidation and fear to control. These traits are manifested through physical, sexual, emotional, and psychological abuse. The frequency and severity of the abuse can vary dramatically, but in each case the abusers are controlling, manipulative, and are focused on maintaining their power in the relationship.

What are some warning signs that someone is being abused?

• Their partner is controlling: They check in often with their partner, receive frequent harassing calls, are anxious or afraid to please their partner
• Their partner keeps them isolated, physically and financially
• They may have frequent injuries, dress to cover possible injuries, and frequently miss work or activities
• They may have low self esteem, be anxious or depressed

And how can you help?

If you suspect someone is a victim of abuse, speak to them in confidence about your concerns.

• Listen, believe, and validate her. Let her know that you care and you want her to be safe.
• Do not ask questions that imply blame. Victims are not responsible for their partner’s choices or violence, and do not deserve shame.
• Do not be critical of the abusive partner — instead make firm statements that violence under any circumstance is unacceptable.
• Do not assume that she is ready to leave the relationship or that you know what is best for her. Don’t pressure her to make quick decisions.
• Become a comfort zone. Assure her that her conversation with you will not be revealed to her abuser.
• Assist her in getting legal help if necessary for guidance on issues such as obtaining protective orders, restraining orders, changing current phone numbers, etc..
• Do not force her or put pressure to not see the abuser. It may be very difficult to leave the relationship for many reasons. Respect her choice.
• Do not advise her to leave or judge her for staying. People are the best experts in their own lives and ultimately know what is best for themselves at any particular time.
• Provide information and resources in a non-judgemental and gentle manner so that she is able to make educated and informed decisions about her future.
• Provide a safe environment and opportunities for her to become aware of available resources, explore their options, and know that they do not deserve to be abused.
• Don’t underestimate the danger. Frequently, the most dangerous time for her is when she leaves the abuser. If you fear for her safety, call 911 immediately.

Leaving an abusive situation is one of the biggest challenges for those who experience domestic violence, especially if they have limited resources. The Becky’s House domestic violence programs provided by the YWCA provide services and immediate protection from abusers in a safe, confidential location. They provide an emergency shelter, 24-hour hotline, transitional housing, legal support, and supportive family services. It is truly a wonderful resource for a terrible problem.

One resource the YWCA provides is the Vi McKinney Becky’s House Shelter. This is a unique resource for immediate protection from abusers. It’s is a safe, confidential facility where clients can live in private rooms for up to 30 days and focus on safety planning, individualized case management, legal services, therapeutic counseling, and housing stability as they begin to recover from trauma.

The YWCA also provides Becky’s House Transitional Housing. This is a 12 month housing program for those who are overcoming domestic violence. The program helps clients focus on overcoming trauma, developing life skills, increasing income, and building independent lives. In addition, Legal Support is provided for family law matters such as protection orders, divorce, and child custody.

If you’d like more information on how to help someone experiencing domestic violence, or you need assistance, please call the YWCA’s hotline: 619-234-3164. It’s available 24/7 to provide counseling, safety planning, referrals, and information.

There are many ways you can help others who are suffering from domestic violence. Some of the organizations here in San Diego who are resources for those experiencing domestic violence, or recovering from its effects include the YWCA, Leap to Success, San Diego Family Justice Center, The Center for Community Solutions, to name a few. If you are located outside of San Diego, we suggest you search for organizations that are resources for those experiencing domestic violence in your community. Supporting these organizations, whether financially or in some volunteer capacity, would allow you to make a difference in a way that works best for you.

At WealthChoice we are focused on empowering women to live their best lives. Supporting organizations in our community who share this vision is one way we all can help make this a reality.