Any working mother knows that labor comes in many forms: paid, unpaid, manual, emotional, cognitive. She also knows that most if not all of these are not divided equally in a heterosexual relationship, especially when there are kids involved. Today, I want to talk about cognitive labor—what it is, how it adversely affects professional women and their romantic relationship, and a possible solution.

What is cognitive labor?

When it comes to running a household, moms are more likely than not to be the ones planning and organizing activities like playdates, vacations, childcare, and family visits. They’re running through the practicalities of the household—shopping lists, maintenance to-dos, the timing to get those done. That’s the cognitive side of labor. The emotional labor associated with these is managing the family’s emotions, such as helping a child through a tantrum or anticipating the next parent-teacher conference. Taken together, the mom is taking on the preparation, organization, and range of emotions it takes to run a household and alleviate future risk.

What does this mean for a woman’s job?

Women, whether they’re in a C-suite role or a part-time one, often find ways to have a more flexible schedule when kids are involved, so they are more acutely aware of which child is growing out of their clothes or has a test coming up. She therefore thinks about these more often—including when she’s at work. Many women, even if they are the breadwinner or in a top-level position, can be forced to put full-time or part-time work on the back burner when faced with increasing stress at home. This widens the gender pay gap, as women are less likely to get raises or promotions after having kids. With competing priorities, she may not be able to put in extra hours or go after a new role. There’s also the possibility of leaving the workforce altogether—something we’ve seen happen more often since the pandemic started.

What does this mean for a relationship?

A lot. While gender norms are being challenged more and more by younger generations, they remain pretty solidly in place for many heterosexual couples. A couple may make decisions together, but it’s often the mom who does the research and legwork leading up to the couple being able to make an informed decision. She’s often on the hook to do this work simply because all of us have been led to believe that women are naturally more organized. To be clear, this has been proven incorrect more than once

When women take on the majority of cognitive labor, it can affect everything from the ability to community in a health manner to the couple’s sex life. An unequal distribution of labor could pave the way to larger issues down the line.

What can women do?

Regular, healthy communication is key to helping share how you’re feeling and your expectations for what should change. A more immediate, concrete action to take, however, is much less complex: do less. It’s much easier said than done, of course, and will lead to more stress up front. But often, sitting out on a basic task will have a longer-lasting and more positive impact down the line. If you don’t plan out every detail or do every minor task, your partner will see the negative consequences that come from not helping and will eventually learn to help out more over time. Sticking to your guns through this initial change will ultimately lead to more time for yourself—and less worrying.

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